Hello dears, Derek was out at his ‘gentleman’s’ club last night so I decided to go and “catch a movie!” as our yankee brethren might say – yay!
Now as you may know I fucking love Jason STAT-ham (american pronunciation) and fucking love films where he beats people up, which is all of them, so I was delighted to notice Killer Elite at my local flicks – and yes I know it came out fucking ages ago before you fucking start! I nabbed some popcorn and a large Pepsi (liberally laced with gin!) and popped into screen 13 – yay :). Now I was a little early, well more than a little and ended up walking in on the previous showing – quelle horreur as Jason would no doubt say if he was a bit of a pansy and not THE REAL MAN that he clearly is. Luckily it was only on the credits so the film wasn’t spoiled but it was interesting to see some bloke listed as ‘Trainer to Mr STAT-ham’ rather than to ‘Jason STAT-ham’. Get her I thought as I continued to watch the credits. I was quite pleased to catch them actually dears because film makers these days like putting sneaky stuff on after just to mug people off. I’ll never forgive myself for leaving the cinema at the end of the ‘Return Of The Jedi’ and missing the Ewoks gang raping Chewbacca after the credits had rolled – FFS! Even thinking about big hunky Jason’s ex-girlfriend Kelly’s formidable jubblies can’t quite compensate for missing that but I’ll keep trying :).
Right onto the film dears :). Robert De Niro is also in it for around 5 minutes, no doubt pocketing a few million in the process. There’s also Clive Owen, the bloke from Prison Break, a bloke from prison drama Oz and a very actionable Aussie bird. Jason, or Danny as they call him here, is a hired killer who loses his bottle after nearly murdering a small boy. I’d have shot the little fucker right between the eyes myself but each to their own! De Niro and Prison Break bloke are working with him and everything goes pear shaped because of the aforementioned drink receptacle misplacement. Danny says “No more, I’m aaaht” but somehow is convinced to do one last job – unfuckingbelievable eh! – and then we see a nice pair of tits, albeit briefly, and lots of people fucking each other up. All this fucking people up stuff is offset by Danny having flashbacks to his Australian bird who is dead fit. There’s some rubbish about blokes called the ‘Feather Men’, a very obvious bunch of elderly homosexuals who, I think, just want to get on with their lemon party and some other bloke called MFWIC – the ‘Motherfucker Wot’s In Charge’ turns up, seemingly just to tell us he’s in charge before fucking off in his helicopter again. I should also tell you that Prison Break bloke sports an outrageous ‘tache while swanning around claiming to be welsh while actually sounding like an unconvincing cockney. Oh and there’s some ragheads in it too! And wasps!
I won’t go too far into the plot as such, largely because I was a bit pissed and don’t remember but I don’t want to spoil it for you either dears. All you need to know is that this is assuredly a Jason STAT-ham film with lots of heads being kicked in and a couple of quality tunes too. As long as you’re not expecting Inception and are expecting a load of cockneys beating the shit out of each other then you’ll be fine! Take some gin and it’s undoubtedly a 10/10 – film of the fucking year – yay :).