With the ever growing market for sex holidays these days, the board have been thinking about diversifying into the travel industry to earn a few extra quid to cover the spiraling costs of Mrs Homophobe’s experimental AIDS treatment, so they have asked me and Clive to look into it.
The package holiday industry is a tough one to crack, the speciality market in particular, and we knew all too well that we needed to make our entry into a crowded market place with a splash, so we got our heads together over a few grams of Miaow, Miaow and some Lidl own brand vodka, and came up with what we believe is a genuine industry first – Venereal Tourism. All-inclusive packages, to headline destinations, where our customers can bring home a unique souvenir that no other travel company guarantees as standard – a venereal disease.
We couldn’t just go into this gung-ho, we needed to conduct some market research, source the best locations for our headline diseases, organise the logistics such as: hotels, airports, local transport infrastructures, 24-hour pharmacies, and so on. Ultimately, we knew that we needed go out and do our bidding across the globe, and report our hard fought findings back to the Cuntspoker board.
So, armed with five-hundred quid in cash chips from Angie’s room, a Stanley knife and a copy of Phil Gordon’s Little Green Book of Poker, Clive’s brief was clear – to return with five Clap Tours™ destinations to suit your beginner, up to your more discerning gentleman, and with his cock in a jar of formaldehyde.
And that he did, upon his triumphant return to Cuntspoker.com HQ recently, where I interviewed Clive about our ‘Big 5’ disease-ridden holiday destinations for the inaugural Clap Tours™ newsletter.
Here’s a sneak preview of the newsletter:
Forget the crap holiday stories you bang on to your work mates about, impress your colleagues with a clap holiday story!
At Clap Tours™ we’ve got package holidays, to fabulous and exotic far flung destinations such as Scarborough – where you are guaranteed to contract that sexually transmitted disease you’ve always wanted….. OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
*Clap Tours™ is a subsidiary company of Cuntspoker.com. Trademark pending.
Crabs – Your standard entry model.
The Virgin Package:
Disease: Pediculosis pubis.
Location: Wolverhampton, West Midlands.
Accommodation: £10 per night to kip on a raghead’s sofa.
Travel: £20 round trip to Atlantis with Central Taxis [White drivers available on request. Subject to availability].
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Get her wankered on After Shocks. Don’t waste resources on the shaved ones.
Miguel: Thanks for joining us Clive. After your extensive travels around the globe, can you tell us what made you pick the jewel in the crown of the Black Country: Wolverhampton, as best place to catch crabs – very much your standard entry model in terms of sexually transmitted diseases?
Clive: Well Miguel, I didn’t need to go anywhere for this one. After all the drugs I’ve taken over the years for my sexual ailments, unfortunately, I’m immune to Crabs. I remember from my youth, however, that the best place to catch Crabs was at Atlantis Nightclub in Wolverhampton. There’s been many a Tuesday night I’ve had to suffer the agony and indignity of dragging a nit comb though my pubes after a brief interlude with an aspiring hairdresser on ‘Ladies drink free night’ . I even used to have a repeat prescription at my local Boots for Derbac-M, which used to do wonders for my dirty-bitch-itch. There is no method or big secret to catching it in this place, it was rife amongst the seasoned Monday-nighters, especially the students who would share pants and just do one big wash at the end of the month. There’s plenty of cheap accommodation available locally in the tribal areas, and taxis are cheap if you don’t being driven by a Muslim plotting to commit an atrocity in his down time.
Herpes – Kiss her on the first date?
The Faithful Package:
Disease: Herpes simplex.
Location: Cardiff, Wales.
Accommodation: Charlotte’s mum’s spare room.
Travel: Charlotte’s Ford Orion.
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Have a hundred quid handy.
Miguel: Our ‘Faithful Package’ is aimed at the family man who wants to remain true to his wife, and yet still experience the thrill of a sexually transmitted disease, by not having sexual relations with that woman (like Bill Clinton}. Can you tell us why Cardiff is the place you most recommend?
Clive: I went to Cardiff to kill birds with stone. Number one, to follow up with a contact who had some information regarding a strain of Gonorrhoea that turns your penis inside out, and two, to check out the local Herpes haunts – which are without doubt the best in the world. With a few hours to kill until ‘The Valleys’ discotheque opened, I popped into a Cardiff pub where I ran into Charlotte Church, who offered me a blowjob for £100. Normally, I would have refused as I don’t care for her foulmouthed, base-humour, Channel 4 chat show, but on this occasion I couldn’t help but notice the scabs around her lips – Herpes simplex. I’d recognise it anywhere. She sobbed uncontrollably in an intolerable Welsh accent about how she used to be a big star, whilst gobbling me as I ordered a drink at the bar. Feeling sorry for the fallen diva, I told her firmly, and in my sternest voice, that she should to go back to doing that opera shit, and knock the party lifestyle on the head. I think she agreed with me wholeheartedly, but then again, her apparent agreement could have just been down to an admirable work ethic. My suspicions were soon confirmed though when her tears of sorrow turned into tears of overwhelming joy, as appreciation for the wakeup call I had given her sank in. Then turning back to sorrow again when I came in her mouth. By chucking out time my face was coming out in sores and my cock beginning to blister, so I knew I’d chosen wisely to put my faith in Cardiff for our headline Herpes holiday.
Chlamydia – The one where a nurse shoves a stick up your dick.
The David Package:
Disease: Chlamydia trachomatis.
Location: Jerusalem, Israel.
Accommodation: £50 per night at Hezbollotel.
Travel: At your own risk.
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Wear a skull cap to blend in. Fundamentalist Jewish women like to be fucked through a hole a in a sheet.
Miguel: What made you pick the Jews as your chosen people for all things Chlamydia?
Clive: Well Miguel, I was in the Gaza strip trying to catch the Palestinian strain of Chlamydia, as I’d heard it was the most virulent in the Chlamydiaceae bacterial family, when I lost my passport, so had to go to the British Embassy in Jerusalem to apply for a replacement. I got the No. 9 shuttle bus from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem because it stopped right outside the Embassy. The journey took 6 hours to negotiate all the checkpoints, but luckily the stench coming off my knob from the Syphilis was enough to make the suicide bombers get off and wait for the next bus. When I got to the embassy they told me it would take 3 days for my new passport to be ready, so I checked into a local hotel. That night, I was in the hotel bar when I overheard a Jewish girl confessing to her boyfriend that she had infected him with Chlamydia from a whirlwind affair with a Jesuit bible scholar. I wished she were my girlfriend, I wished I was the one sitting opposite her, with twatty spiral sideburns, receiving the good news. Happily for me, he didn’t appreciate the precious gift she’d bestowed upon him, and stood up calling her a Jezebel at the top of his voice, throwing his napkin on the table before storming out. I sensed my opportunity and moved in for the kill on my mortified and vulnerable soon to be donor. Initially she was wary of me, but after learning that my father was an accountant we got on like two peas in a pod, and ended up chatting for hours. Before we knew what was happening, we were in my hotel room, with her on the bed spread-eagled under a sheet that covered her entire body, and me fucking her missionary position on the outside of the sheet, through a round hole at fanny-height. I fell in love that night, but we agreed to go our separate ways the following morning because her family would never approve of the relationship in light of my foolish revelation that I was only on the BUPA Silver Program. Normally it takes up to a year for the symptoms of Chlamydia to manifest, but this was a particularly vicious strain, and I knew three days later from the grey discharge oozing out of my dick like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed by Geoff Capes, that my search was over, and it was Jerusalem that gets the ‘Clive’s Chlamydia Seal of Approval’ – for excellence in a competitive genre. To this day, whenever I collapse with agony while having a piss, I‘m reminded of that magical night I spent with Rachel Goldstein.
Gonorrhoea – By invitation only.
The Frequent Flyer Package*:
Disease: Neisseria gonorrhoeae.
Accommodation: 5-Star Gonnorheights Hotel.
Travel: All amenities are within walking distance.
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Bring an offering of ‘Old Spice’ to the chief.
*Only Clap Club premium members are eligible for this package, and by Invitation only.
Miguel: Our Exclusive Gonorrhoea Package – Prey thee do tell, good sir…
Clive: Most certainly my dear fellow. I had an anonymous tip-off about a South American tribe, deep in the jungles of Bolivia, that worships a Gonorrhoea Queen. The queen caught the disease in her late teens from Clyde, of Every Which Way But Loose fame. It was the mid-eighties and Clyde was in Belize filming ‘Every Which Way But Locked Up In A Cage’, the true story of Clyde’s release into the wild. His insatiable sexual appetite began disrupting filming, and after several notorious on-screen rapes, the crew knew he needed a play-mate to work his frustrations out on off camera, so that night, and with budgetary constraints in mind, the crew sneaked into the village of a local tribe and kidnapped a young woman. Clyde had his way with the village girl every night of the six-week shoot, and the girl was then returned to where she was taken from on that night, six weeks ago. Because she’d lain down with a famous beast, she was hailed as a goddess by the villagers, and it was considered to be a great honour to be her concubine. The queen is long dead unfortunately, but luckily for our frequent flyers, her mutated Orang-utan Gonorrhoea lives on in the villagers today. It’s a happy coincidence that a year ago the tribal chiefs commissioned a 5-star complex of tree-house hotels for tourists, which are strangely lying empty. I flew out to Belize to strike a deal on the hotel immediately, and I can tell you now, our guests are in for a treat on this one. I’ve never experienced such luxury, I was waited on hand and foot by the village hosts, my room was 50 feet up in the jungle canopy allowing me to see for miles around me, the food was out of this world, and the Gonorrhoea – simply exquisite.
Neurosyphilis – The acceptable face of terminal sex illnesses.
The Star Wars Episode III Package:
Location: Paris, France.
Accommodation: Madame Bouvier’s Boarding House.
Travel: Citroen C2V hire car included.
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Dress as a 17th century dandy (like that cunt Llewellyn-Bowen).
Miguel: I’m a man about town, Clive, with a couple of the Big 5 under my belt, as you know… Where is the best place for me to go if I want to do a spot of fine-dining, indulge my passion for the arts, do some sight-seeing, and catch a bout of raging Syphilis?
Clive: You’re a man after my own heart, Miguel. Well, Like Chlamydia, my choice for Syphilis was discovered quite by accident. I was in Africa, you see, trying to catch the Sickle cell, when I was deported from The People’s Democratic Republic of Congo, and later banned from the African continent following an ill-advised advert in the local classifieds which read: “White man seeks Sickle cell. Handsome rewards paid for black spunk”. Standing in Heathrow, covered in excrement from a dirty protest at my deportation from The Congo, I noticed that the first flight to depart was to Charles de Gaulle, Paris. This was quite a stroke of luck as it turned out, I’d wanted to check out the Paris Syph’ scene for some time. My long held suspicions about Paris were confirmed within a fortnight of my being there, when I was hospitalised with acute Syphilitic Meningitis. I’ll never forget the way that Doctor, in his faggoty French accent, snidely insinuated that I was a shirt-lifter, because this particular strain was a pandemic on the Paris gay scene. In the calmest voice I could muster, I told him that I wasn’t after your Primary or your Secondary varieties of Syphilis, or even your Tertiary Syph’, it was the daddy of them all I was after – Neurospyhpilis – with Central Nervous System complications. And if that meant banging a French aristocrat up the arse over a Louis XVI dresser, then so be it. The Doctors at the Paris hospital gave me eighteen months to live with good behaviour, but it was worth it to fulfil a lifelong dream.
Miguel: Good behaviour?
Clive: Yeah – no more Syph Sex. God knows how I’ll tell Thierry it’s over.
Miguel: That’s a crying shame about Thierry; does that mean our HIV weekend getaways to Barcelona need be removed from the brochure?
Miguel and Clive
Clap Tours™ – That STD you’ve always wanted, OR YOUR MONEY BACK
*Clap Tours™ is a subsidiary company of Cuntspoker.com. Trademark pending.