Venereal Tourism – A Miguel and Clive Special
With the ever growing market for sex holidays these days, the board have been thinking about diversifying into the travel industry to earn a few extra quid to cover the spiralling costs of Mrs Homophobe’s experimental AIDS treatment, so they have asked me and Clive to look into it.
The package holiday industry is a tough one to crack, the speciality market in particular, and we knew all too well that we needed to make our entry into a crowded market place with a splash, so we got our heads together over a few grams of Miaow, Miaow and some Lidl own brand vodka, and came up with what we believe is a genuine industry first - Venereal Tourism. All-inclusive packages, to headline destinations, where our customers can bring home a unique souvenir that no other travel company offers - a venereal disease.
We couldn’t just go into this gung-ho, we needed to conduct some market research, source the best locations for our headline diseases, organise the logistics such as: hotels, airports, local transport infrastructures, 24-hour pharmacies, and so on. We knew that we needed go out and do our bidding across the globe, and report hard fought findings back to the Cuntspoker board.
So, armed with five-hundred quid in cash chips from Angie’s room, a Stanley knife and a copy of Phil Gordon’s Little Green Book of Poker, Clive’s brief was clear - to return with five Clap Tours™ destinations to suit your beginner, up to your more discerning gentleman, and with his cock in a jar of formaldehyde.
And that he did, upon his triumphant return to Cuntspoker.com HQ recently, where I interviewed Clive about our ‘Big 5’ disease-ridden holiday destinations for the Clap Tours™ inaugural newsletter.
Here’s a sneak preview of the Clap Tours™ newsletter and the holiday package and advice that it offers for Crabs – your standard entry model for the Venereal Tourist.
Clap Tours™ The Big 5: #1 Crabs
Forget the crap holiday stories you bang on to your work mates about, impress your colleagues with a clap holiday story!
At Clap Tours™* we’ve got package holidays, to fabulous and exotic far flung destinations such as Scarborough - where you are guaranteed to contract that sexually transmitted disease you’ve always wanted..... OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
*Clap Tours™ is a subsidiary company of Cuntspoker.com. Trademark pending.
The Virgin Package:
Disease: Pediculosis pubis.
Location: Wolverhampton, West Midlands.
Accommodation: £10 per night to kip on a raghead’s sofa.
Travel: £20 round trip to Atlantis with Central Taxis [White drivers available on request. Subject to availability].
Clive’s Top Transmission Tips: Get her wankered on After Shocks. Don’t waste resources on the shaved ones.
Miguel: Thanks for joining us Clive. After your extensive travels around the globe, can you tell us what made you pick the jewel in the crown of the Black Country, Wolverhampton, as best place to catch crabs - very much your standard entry model in terms of sexually transmitted diseases?
Clive: Well Miguel, I didn’t need to go anywhere for this one. After all the drugs I’ve taken over the years for my sexual ailments, unfortunately, I’m immune to Crabs. I remember from my youth, however, that the best place to catch Crabs was at Atlantis Nightclub in Wolverhampton. There’s been many a Tuesday night I’ve had to suffer the agony of dragging a nit comb though my pubes after a brief interlude with an aspiring hairdresser on ‘Lady’s drink free night’.
I even used to have a repeat prescription at my local Boots for Derbac-M, which used to do wonders for my dirty-bitch-itch.
There is no method or big secret to catching it in this place, it was rife amongst the seasoned Monday-nighters, especially the students who would share pants and just do one big wash at the end of the month. There’s plenty of cheap accommodation available locally in the tribal areas, and taxis are cheap if you don’t being driven by a Muslim plotting to commit an atrocity in his down time.