Stop cock? Pope Bigus Benedickus
The prognosis was good for Delroy but he would
never fuck white women outdoors in winter again
So the pope is visiting Malta - the most catholic country in the world. This news has caused somewhat of scandal amongst the local left-footers, not because he condones fucking kids in the ass, but because of a penis in the middle of a roundabout. Erected in 2006, as it were, the phallus is roughly the same size as the equipment on your average elephant-washer, and the Pontiff’s procession will take him directly by the offending dick.
Colonna Mediterranea, Luqa, Malta
With thousands of men, women and children expected to line the streets, the local council are aghast at the thought causing Pope Benedict embarrassment, and have petitioned to have it excommunicated. The Maltese government have remained steadfast in their refusal to remove to the work of art however, confident that Father Ratzinger won’t mind a dirty great cock between him the children.
All this religious talk reminds me of a time I yearned to be accepted into the bosom of Catholicism.
Inspired by reading an article in a Womens Institute brochure about Casanova persuading a nun to fellate him through the confessional grille, I visited the Vatican.
After arriving in Vatican City via Belgium, I headed through St Peters square where I was stopped by some cunt in a jester’s outfit. After bribing him with a copy of Phil Gordon’s Little Green Book of Poker, I was allowed entry into St Michael’s chapel.
Armed with an erotic scenario involving two lions, some Vaseline and a sharp poking device in case of biting, I headed down a side aisle toward the confessional box.
It was then I saw her. She was an Afghan nun with bow-legs and a curiously sexy moustache. She looked a vision of beauty as she knelt on her knees in front of the pulpit, with Christ on the cross above looking down on her.
I had to know her name, but I wasn’t prepared to wait in line nor was I was prepared to pay the 10 Euros she was charging for blowjobs.
“Excuse me” I said to the passing Priest “Who is that woman?”
“That’s Sister Hussein” said the Cardinal, “She’s seen more bare arses than a copper’s torch, the dirty bitch”.
a cunt like a stab wound in a gorilla’s back
dirty Nuns and the Vatican City
Later as she was swilling her mouth in the holy water, I went to approach her but I changed my mind at the last minute.
Then suddenly “Sister” I shouted “I have a confession to make. I think you are the most beautiful nun I’ve ever seen”.
She invited me into a back room and she began telling me an anecdote about an outside toilet in Kabul to lighten the mood. Sister Hussein had recently converted from Islam because the Burqa was so last year, and we got on famously.
We spent the next few hours playing checkers and 4 cards on the head Omaha. I had to stick two cards on my forehead and hold up the other two in my hands, she didn’t have to.
After a comfortable silence of just staring into each other’s eyes, I asked her if she would do me the great honour of kissing my mock papal ring. Not wanting to give in to the sins of the flesh in the house of god, she was tentative at first, but she soon came around after some gentle coaxing with a novelty Ann Summers crucifix dildo.
She slipped off her habit to reveal her left-breast, she didn’t have a right one after having sold it to medical science some years earlier. Next she slipped off her Y-fronts. She had a cunt like a ripped out fire place.
“Fuck me my child” wailed the sex starved clergywoman.
Clearly in the height of passion sister Hussein grabbed a chunk of my hair and whispered gently into my ear “My child, give me a rimjob for a quid”
Some people say shit tastes disgusting – well I beg to differ.