Portuguese Breakfast - omelette style

Portuguese Breakfast - ingredients

This week folks I’m going to show you how to prepare a new favourite of mine I which picked up when I visited the Algarve earlier this year - the Portuguese Breakfast.

Portuguese Breakfast recipe and method

How to make a Portuguese Breakfast

Preparation time:
10-45 minutes, dependent upon stamina
Cooking time: 10 minutes
Serves: 2 (unless you kick the bitch out)

You will need:
3 Large Battery chicken eggs (Fuck ‘em, they’re only Chickens)
1 slice smoked bacon
1 large tomato, sliced
1-2 mushrooms, thinly sliced
Seasoning (salt and pepper for our Scottish readers)
1 tsp vegetable oil
Frying pan
A consenting female of unquestionable personal hygiene (bucket vagina desirable, though not essential)

Portuguese Breakfast - special females needed

Method:
There are two ways to make a traditional Portuguese Breakfast, scrambled or my preferred version, the Omelette.

1. Crack the eggs into a bowl, add the bacon, mushrooms and tomatoes, and season with salt and pepper. Do not whisk at this point.

Portuguese Breakfast - omelette style

2. Tip the afore mentioned female arse over tit with legs spread wide resembling a Y-shape, and place a cushion under the small of her back for support.

Incidentally, after a yet another AIDS scare recently, Yoghurt of the Week’s very own Mrs H thought it prudent to invest in the Y-shaped, Brazilian mahogany coffin she’d had her eye on for ages, before the enviro-bastard-mentalists, as she calls them, get their way and have us all buried in Fyffes orange boxes, to save the precious fucking forest.

Portuguese Breakfast - sex games

3. Carefully insert a funnel into her cunt and pour in your mixture. Be diligent here, as she may shudder at the cold liquid cascading into her innards, which can all too easily cause a catastrophic spillage.

4. Position yourself over the gaping vagina with your penis pointing downwards, and proceed to fuck her vociferously for a minimum of 10 minutes, occasionally withdrawing to the check consistency of your mixture. This is where I find a fanny like a wizard’s sleeve advantageous as it naturally accommodates a wider circular stirring motion more easily than the less elastic varieties.

5. Once you are satisfied with the mixture (it should have a vomit like texture and appearance), have her squat over a pre-heated, lightly oiled pan and allow the liquid to drain evenly into the pan. 60 seconds should suffice. For women of a tighter disposition it may aid the draining process to take your thumb and forefinger and gently tease the lips apart.

6. Place the pan on a high heat and when the eggs begin to bubble, tip your pan 45 degrees and gently coax one edge of the mixture to the middle of pan with a spatula, allowing the liquid egg to flow into the middle. Repeat this process in opposite directions around the pan until a small amount of the liquid remains. Now fold the edges of your Omelette into the centre of the pan, tip onto a plate and dig in.
TIP: Have the bitch perform this step - it is women’s work after all.

Bon Appétit

Portuguese Breakfast for females

Miguel and Clive next week ...

Next week Clive shows you how to be more popular than Mr Whippy with the kids this summer, with his Turkish Snowcones.

3. Carefully insert a funnel into her cunt and pour in your mixture. Be diligent here, as she may shudder at the cold liquid cascading into her innards, which can all too easily cause a catastrophic spillage.

Clives Portuguese Breakfast recipe and instructions

Miguel and Clive - list of their stories and stuff