Lesbian porn – I’m on the fence

lesbian porn - finger licking good?

Now I’m trying to be deliberately controversial, but from a wanking perspective, I’m not entirely convinced about Lesbian porn. Try as I might, I just can’t shoot my load to two sorts lezzing it up. I’m sure to the two women involved find writhing around, flicking each other’s bean very pleasurable, but there comes a point in the film where each is in agreement that they would like a good seeing to, as evidenced by the wearing of strap-ons, or in the old days this was remedied by a plumber/milkman/postman knocking on the door to lend a hand. I’m old school.

Personally, I want to see a woman taking a damn good rogering. You need to see a dirty great cock ploughing away like the piston on a steam train - not in gay way you understand. All of this leads me to the shocking conclusion that lesbian porn is dissatisfying - for all parties concerned.

Still, it’s gotta be better than no porn at all.....

4 channels of wank

Rachel Riley on Countdown with rude word

Back in the days before Sky TV and the internet, back when there were only 4 channels on TV, it was murder trying to get suitably aroused to have a wank. Such was the drought, I once even wanked off because Katy Hill wearing a short skirt on Blue Peter. Those were the days. I vividly remember pouring over the TV Times for a program or film where you might get to see a gratuitous sex scene.

Prisoner Cell Block H - lesbian or late night wank porn?

Of course you never knew when the illicit action was going to take place, so ‘getting yourself ready to go’ was of paramount importance. This was fraught with danger though. There were times when you dismissed an early sex scene only to go the rest of the program without so much as seeing a hint of side boob. Then there were times when you realised you’d made a terrible mistake make and that Black Beauty wasn’t what it purported to be.

Jennifer Tilly's tits - worth a wank or 3

There were even times when you got crimerobbed and the action never materialised at all. There was also of course, the problem of droopage - not so much of a problem when I was a younger lad but it grew to be an issue in later years. Most frightening of all though, was the inherent danger having your Johnson out for sustained periods of time posed. I’ll never forget the look of horror on mum’s face at me on the sofa, with my cock out, watching Eurotrash. And I’ll certainly never forget the look of anguish in her eyes when she noticed I’d wiped myself on the velvet drapes.

Sock Puppeteer

wanking in a sock - American Pie style

It had never occurred to me before watching American Pie but I can highly recommend wanking into a sock. It’s discreet, clean, efficient and surprisingly pleasurable. What does worry me though is the thought of the sperm that has seeped and burrowed deep into the fabric of the sock. No amount of washing will get those little fuckers out. What happens when your feet sweat? Does it release them? Where would they go? All pertinent questions considering I’m partial to kicking women in the cunt. I could leather a poor woman in the fanny in good faith and inadvertently knock her up. It’s for this reason I’ve sadly had to rule it out as an option. Should I find a better method of expressing my disdain towards to the fairer sex, you can rest assured that every morning one of yesterday’s socks will be filled with jizz.

Just my thoughts. Each to their own.

Miguel and Clive