Shark scopes north of the river

sharkscope poker stories story river professional poker player

Fack me, I’ve gone faacking broke again innit!

Nah fackin’ listen to me you caant. So right, I’ve borrowed my nan’s pension yeah, she don’t know yet, I was gunna spin it up and put it back, so keep it to yaself yeah. Anyway, I’m playing the $5/$10 on Jokerstars yeah, and I’ve built my stack up to two faaasand after I cracked sum caants Aces with Q5.

So, I open for a pony with K7 in early position yeah, and the tight-aggressive caant in the cut-off free-betted me to a ton. Aye faackin' aye I thought to myself, this caaant hasn’t free-betted anyone all game yeah, he must have fack all innit. So I re-raises him to a monkey yeah, and after a few seconds, he shoves all in for free large. Fack me I thought, I’m pot committed, so I calls for my last fifteen hundred, and the faacking caaant flips over KK.

So I’m now faacking brassic innit and need to get hold some cash for the faacking retro-virals. I cant sign on cos I’m already on the dole innit, so I need a job to tide me over til I stop runnin bad.

on the bus to north of the river

job centres burning fire riot
a bad river and the Job Centres get burnt down

So I jumps on the bus to North of the river, to the job centre yeah, cos our ones saaaf of the river have been burnt down by the locals innit, to save them avin sign on all the time.

So I gets to the job centre yeah and this faacking caant of a whore behind the counter says to me in a snotty north of the river accent:

“Yes, may I help you”.

“I’m looking for a job innit, ya daft caaant. What the bleedin ell else would I be in ere for?”

“Yes, quite” she said, “Do you have a resume with you?”

“Naaaaah love, ere’s me phone and water bills for the last free manths though, will that do?”

“These aren’t quite what I’m looking for Mr erm, Mr Hoskins.” She said, lookin at my bills like they were faacking dogshit. “What I mean is your Curriculum Vitae, that is say, your list of recent employment, your education and qualifications, and your references”

“A faacking resume” I said “I’ll give you a faacking resume. You take a faacking look at my sharkscope love.Thats all the faacking readin you need to do.”

“Sharkscope?” she said inquisitively.

“Actually, no....... I’ve err, I've changed my alias now and the new one is rigged innit cos I withdrew my winnings. I can’t remember my old alias, but I was faaaacking crushin the $100 Turbos, I can tell you”

“I’m a faacking poker player innit love”

poker players hats headgear funny professionals
professional poker players hats and headgear

“Sooo, Mr Hoskins, what would you say your profession is, or your main skill sets are?”

I was faaacking livid at this point, and I says to her “Firstly love, only my dear old mum calls me Mr Hoskins, you can call me Dave, fank you very much”. Then I whipped out my membership to The Vic and slammed it down on the desk. I had to raise my voice at this point, “I’m a faacking poker player innit love, I play faacking cards for a living don’t I.

“I see” she said “You’re a professional poker player, yes?”

“Dear god almighty, my faacking taxes paid for you go to poncey university for free faakcing years to work that out. Words, faaacking fail me love.”

“Aha, we do have a role that might be just up your street Mr erm.... Dave. It is clearing the tables and mopping the floors at McDonalds, £3.50 per hour and a uniform is provided.”

“In’t that normally a spacca or a mongoloids job?”

“Yes, I think you’re just the man we’ve been looking for.”

“I’ll take it”


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